Straddling the Line Between Sick and Healthy
When I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, I thought I’d be sick forever. Everything I read online suggested people with Crohn’s never really get better.
Then, I went the opposite direction—I became convinced remission was possible, and I’d be back to my pre-Crohn’s life. I pictured myself as active and busy, free from doctor’s appointments, medications, and constant fatigue. I imagined I’d stop thinking about my health altogether.
I am in remission, and while it’s easier than being in a flare, I don’t feel healthy. Sure, I don’t need to restrict my diet much, I generally only need to see doctors for preventative care, and I no longer rely on infusions. I can even get through a workout without crashing. But “healthy” is still a moving target. Some days, a simple dinner out can leave me feeling like I got hit by a truck.
Moving Target
That moving target hit me hard last weekend. My best friend turned 40, and I was determined to celebrate with her. I did everything possible to prepare—watched my sleep, drank lots of water, and cleared my schedule before and after the party to save my energy. I felt ready.
The day of the party arrived, and I felt good. I drove to Seattle, spent the afternoon with a friend, and joined everyone for dinner. By the time we arrived at the bar, though, I was tired. The loud music, the smell of stale beer, the crowded room—it was overstimulating. I wanted to dance, but I didn’t have the energy. I wanted to socialize, but I had to yell to be heard. I felt agitated and uncomfortable. So, I slipped out of the bar, quietly, without saying goodbye. I felt embarrassed, disappointed, and even guilty for not making it through the night.
As I drove home, I wrestled with why I couldn’t just enjoy one night out, like everyone else. Why did I have to leave? I felt scared, wondering if I’d ever truly be able to move through life without limitations.
It’s not what I thought remission would look like. I don’t see myself as sick, but I’m not exactly “healthy” either. So, what am I?
Over time, I’ve come to see health as something that can’t be easily defined. “Sick” and “healthy” don’t really exist as simple categories. Health isn’t a state you achieve and keep. It’s a balance, constantly shifting based on what our bodies and lives throw at us.
Health is a spectrum
We’re all constantly balancing between feeling well and dealing with the aches, pains, and stresses that life throws our way. Some days, we feel strong and energized. Other days, we’re exhausted from something as simple as dining out with a friend.
I’ve learned not to define myself by whether I’m sick or healthy. There are always things beyond my control, but I can choose how to respond. I could obsess over why I had to leave the party, or I could accept it as part of my reality and move forward.
Letting go of the idea that I must fit into the category or “healthy” or “sick” is freeing. It allows me to make choices that honor where I am, not where I think I “should” be. If I feel like going for a walk but my body says rest, I don’t need to push myself to meet some impossible standard.
Health isn’t about reaching some final goal. It’s about adjusting, adapting, and making peace with where we are—on any given day. If you don’t hold yourself to an unattainable standard, you can move and adapt more flexibly to the context.
