How to Protect Your Peace When Dealing With Difficult People

Do you find yourself stuck in challenging relationships with friends, coworkers, or even your parents? It can be painful and emotionally draining and often leaves you feeling like you've lost your sense of self.

In this article, I want to help you regain control and protect your peace by setting and following clear boundaries. We'll explore the power of writing down your boundaries and intentions, making it easier to navigate these tricky relationships.

The Boundary Blueprint

Imagine having a cheat sheet for dealing with those challenging individuals in your life. That's precisely what you get when you put your boundaries in writing. When you set boundaries, you tell the other person what you will and won't tolerate—no need to wade through a sea of emotions when the time comes to make a decision. You can refer to your roadmap to help you maintain your peace.

The Exercise

How it Works: Begin by taking a moment for self-reflection. Consider a challenging relationship and the areas where you feel your boundaries have been crossed or need reinforcement. Grab a notebook or open a document on your computer, and start jotting down your boundaries. Be specific and clear about what you will and won't tolerate. Use the examples below as inspiration.

As you write, consider your values and what truly matters to you. These boundaries are YOUR guide, so tailor them to reflect your unique needs and desires. Remember, writing them down is powerful, as it gives you a clear reference point in challenging situations. When you have your list, commit yourself to honor these boundaries, setting the stage for more harmonious and balanced relationships.

Here are some practical examples of boundaries:

No More Oversharing: Don't divulge intimate details of your life to someone who doesn't remember or show genuine interest. If they're only capable of talking about themselves or surface-level engagement, let them stay there. You don't owe them your deepest secrets.

Energy Management: Texting or calling back right away? Not if the relationship doesn't warrant it. Align your efforts with the relationship's importance. If it's a '3' on your priority scale, invest in a '3' energy level.

Party Poopers Not Invited: Don't invite someone to events or activities if their past behavior has been a consistent problem. If they have a history of no-shows, lateness, early exits, or challenging behavior, save yourself the disappointment.

Emotional Recovery Time: If you're still reeling from your last frustrating interaction with this person, don't rush into another one. Prioritize your peace by giving yourself time to stabilize.

Get Real About the Relationship: Stop or reduce fulfilling expectations that don't feel right for the relationship. For instance, if your relationship with your father is strained and insincere, why stress over the perfect Christmas gift? Your well-being should come first.

Calmly Assert Yourself: When necessary, speak your truth, set a boundary, or take charge of a situation or space. Stand up to that neighbor who repeatedly throws their garden hose on your lawn. Ask them to stop. If they persist, put the hose back yourself and consider putting up a fence.

Say No Fearlessly: Sometimes, a simple "no" is the best boundary. Don't feel obligated to say yes to everything or even explain your no. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Thanks for the invite, but I’m not going to make it.”

Don't Shoulder the Blame: If someone tries to shift blame onto you, don't accept it. Own your mistakes, but don't let them make you the scapegoat. Don’t start an argument or try to get them to change their mind; this will only make them more committed to blaming you. Instead, say, “I’m bummed that you feel that way, but I guess we’ll just have to disagree on that one.”

Distance Yourself: Removing yourself from a situation or conversation is a boundary too. It's okay to step away when things get uncomfortable. I did this the other day when I was with a group of women who started talking about the diets they were on. I wasn’t interested in confronting them (they were not close friends), so I acted like I needed to talk to someone else in the room and walked away.

Express Discomfort: There are times when you’ll need to communicate your discomfort when something doesn't sit right with you. Your feelings are valid and should be honored and respected by those who care about you. Just be sure to use “I” statements and feeling statements (not accusations or threats) to show respect for both the person you’re talking to and the healthy relationship you are trying to cultivate.

Privacy Protection: Safeguard your personal space, both physically and emotionally. This might mean screening your calls, NOT having overnight houseguests, adjusting your social media privacy settings, or letting friends, family, and neighbors know you don’t like spontaneous drop-ins. Nobody is entitled to your space, time, or attention without your permission.

Time Management: Don't let others dictate how you spend your time. Don’t allow coworkers to schedule meetings that conflict with focused work time or personal time. Inform your friends and family that you need advance notice for social plans.

Send a Clear Message

Setting boundaries is not just about protecting your peace; it's also about communicating your values and expectations to others. When your boundaries are loose or undefined, you inadvertently train others how to treat you. Every interaction becomes a lesson.

For instance, if you consistently answer work-related calls after hours, you're teaching your coworkers that it's acceptable to intrude on your personal time. Similarly, when you remain silent while your mother criticizes your teen daughter, you send the message that you endorse or accept such behavior. It's vital to recognize that boundaries aren't solely for your benefit; they also shape the behavior and expectations of those around you. By setting clear boundaries, you can convey your needs and values, ultimately fostering healthier and more respectful relationships.

Also remember, boundaries are about self-preservation, not exclusion. By writing them down and setting clear intentions, you'll find that dealing with difficult people becomes less stressful and more manageable. It's time to prioritize your peace and take control of your life. So, go ahead and put those boundaries into practice – your future self will thank you!