Not Getting Much Out of Therapy? How to Tell If It’s Time to Stay, Switch, or Stop
Not Getting Much Out of Therapy? How to Tell If It’s Time to Stay, Switch, or Stop
Therapy is an investment—of time, energy, and money. It’s also an investment in yourself, your healing, and your growth. So, what happens when you start feeling like it’s just… not working? If you’re feeling stuck in therapy, struggling to see progress, or wondering whether your therapist is the right fit, know that this is a normal and expected part of therapy. Many people reach a point where they question whether to stay, switch, or stop therapy altogether.
The good news? You don’t have to figure this out alone. In many cases, talking with your therapist about what you’re feeling can lead to breakthroughs and renewed progress. Other times, switching therapists or stepping away from therapy might be the right move. Let’s explore some common reasons therapy might not be working and how to navigate this confidently navigate this crossroads.
1. The Work Is Done, but You’re Still Holding On
Therapy should have an endpoint—not necessarily a hard stop, but a natural conclusion when you feel ready to step forward on your own. If you’ve met your goals but find yourself still coming to sessions out of habit or fear of leaving, it might be time to evaluate whether you truly need to continue.
It’s normal to feel unsure about ending therapy, especially if it’s been a significant part of your life. But therapy is meant to empower you, not make you dependent. A great way to approach this is to talk to your therapist about talking with your therapist about how you'd like to feel more confident and ready to end, and ask for help in getting there.
When my clients express a desire to end therapy but feel anxious about losing their support system, I encourage them to reflect on their progress and key insights gained during our sessions. I then ask them to identify the skills and habits they wish to continue developing moving forward. After completing this reflection, many clients feel prepared to conclude therapy. If they still have reservations, this exercise reveals areas that may require further focus.
2. Avoidance Is Holding You Back
Avoidance is sneaky. It can look like skipping sessions, steering conversations away from deeper topics, or brushing off your therapist’s suggestions. If you find yourself avoiding certain discussions or consistently dodging discomfort, therapy might not feel effective—but the real issue isn’t therapy itself; it’s what you’re avoiding within it.
Avoidance is often a protective mechanism, but growth happens when we lean into discomfort. If you trust your therapist, try sharing that you’ve been avoiding certain topics. A skilled therapist will help you explore this with curiosity and compassion.
Consider sharing one small, vulnerable aspect of yourself with your therapist. Treat it as an experiment to gauge their response. A good therapist will be eager to understand this part of you and treat you with respect and compassion. By allowing yourself to experience this supportive feedback, you create a more inviting space for future disclosures. This approach can help you feel more at ease when discussing deeper issues.
3. You’re Trying to Impress Your Therapist Instead of Being Real
This happens more often than people realize. You might unconsciously present a more “put-together” version of yourself in therapy, hiding the parts your feel ashamed of. You might intellectualize your problems, keep things surface-level, or say what you think the therapist wants to hear.
Think of therapy like going to a tailor. If you pretend an outfit fits perfectly when it actually feels tight in some places and loose in others, the tailor (your therapist) can’t make the right adjustments. Therapy works best when you bring your real, messy, unfiltered self into the room. If you suspect you’ve been holding back, try telling your therapist. It might open the door to deeper, more meaningful work.
Trying to impress your therapist can create a barrier to genuine self-exploration and healing. When the focus shifts to how you are perceived rather than the issues at hand, it can lead to stagnation in your therapeutic progress. This dynamic often results in feelings of inadequacy and resentment toward your therapist, as you may feel unseen or misunderstood in the process. Authenticity in therapy is crucial; it allows for deeper conversations and meaningful insights. When you prioritize impressing your therapist over being honest about your struggles, you risk reducing your sessions to a performance rather than a space for true growth and understanding.
4. You Expect the Therapist to Lead the Work
Therapists can guide, support, and challenge you, but they can’t do the work for you. If you’re sitting back waiting for therapy to “happen” to you, you might not see much progress.
If you’re feeling passive in therapy, ask yourself: Am I taking an active role in my healing? Do I bring topics to sessions? Do I practice the skills we discuss? Therapy is most effective when you’re engaged in the process.
What does this look like? Before your next session, identify your goals and choose one to focus on. Discuss your struggles, thoughts, feelings, and questions about that topic with your therapist. At the end of the session, note the key takeaways and at least one action you will try this week, such as a new behavior, exercise, or perspective. Throughout the week, reflect on your experiences and document them. Bring these reflections to your next appointment to share with your therapist. From there, you and your therapist can build on your skills until you meet your goal.
The personal accountability you cultivate during this process will benefit you in all aspects of your life. If you find yourself being passive and letting others determine the direction of your life, this approach provides a supportive and safe environment to begin developing this essential skill.
5. The Therapist’s Approach Doesn’t Fit Your Needs
Not all therapy styles work for everyone. If you’re doing EMDR but feel like you need a structured cognitive approach, or if you’re in talk therapy but really need a somatic-based approach, therapy might feel like it’s not working—because it’s not the right modality for you.
Therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all. If you think you might need a different approach, talk to your therapist. They may adjust their method or refer you to someone whose approach better aligns with your needs.
How to learn about the different approaches:
Rather than spending hours Googling the various approaches, use ChatGPT! Start by asking, "Can you help me figure out what kind of therapy might be best for me?"
Here are a few more questions you could ask:
How do I figure out what I want to work on in therapy?
What therapy approaches are most effective for (anxiety, depression, trauma, etc.)?
Can you explain the main types of therapy?
What’s the difference between CBT, psychodynamic therapy, and humanistic therapy?
Are there therapy approaches that focus on emotions, behaviors, or deep self-reflection?
What are some highly structured therapy approaches?
What therapy styles focus on behavior change?
Are there approaches that allow for open-ended discussion and self-exploration?
Do I want a goal-oriented, short-term approach or long-term deep work?
What therapy approaches work best for people who like practical strategies?
Are there methods that focus more on relationships?
How do I find a therapist who uses the approach I’m interested in?
What questions should I ask a potential therapist to see if they’re a good fit?
What should I do if I try a therapy style and it doesn’t feel right?
6. There’s an Unspoken Dynamic Between You & Your Therapist (Transference/Countertransference)
Sometimes therapy stalls because of an emotional dynamic between you and your therapist. Maybe you feel judged, ignored, or misunderstood. Maybe your therapist reminds you (consciously or unconsciously) of someone from your past, and that’s affecting your ability to be open.
Transference and countertransference can be hard to understand (and notice!), so I’ll try to explain it here:
Transference occurs when you, the client unconsciously projects feelings, expectations, or patterns from past relationships onto your therapist. This often stems from early experiences with caregivers or other important figures and can shape how you perceive and interact with your therapist. For example, if you had a critical parent, they might assume your therapist is judging you, even when that’s not the case.
Countertransference happens when a therapist unconsciously projects their own feelings, experiences, or biases onto you, the client. This can be triggered by your personality, behaviors, or personal history that reminds the therapist of someone from their own life. For example, if a therapist had a younger sibling they always took care of, they might feel an urge to "rescue" you if you exhibit similar traits.
Both transference and countertransference are natural and inevitable in therapy, but when recognized and addressed, they can provide valuable insights and deepen the therapeutic process.
Good therapists welcome conversations about the therapeutic relationship itself. If something feels off, bring it up. A great therapist will use this discussion as a valuable part of the work.
7. You Feel Dependent on Therapy or Your Therapist
Feeling attached to your therapist is a natural response, especially after working through vulnerable topics together. However, the goal of therapy is to encourage your independence rather than foster dependence. It is common to experience some reliance initially, as this is part of the process.
However, the therapeutic relationship and the skills you acquire should boost your confidence in making decisions and steering your life in the direction you desire. Ideally, your therapist should eventually feel less necessary.
Be aware that some therapists, whether intentionally or unintentionally, may cultivate dependence due to their own unresolved issues or financial motivations. If you sense that therapy is not empowering you to take charge of your life, it's important to address this in your sessions.
When Talking to Your Therapist Might Not Be the Right Option
While it’s usually a good idea to discuss your concerns with your therapist first, there are times when that may not be viable:
You feel fundamentally unsafe in therapy. If your therapist is dismissive, unethical, or makes you feel judged, you don’t owe them an explanation for leaving.
You’ve already tried talking about it, but nothing changes. If you’ve expressed your concerns multiple times and see no shift, it may be time to switch.
You just know it’s not the right fit. Sometimes, you don’t need to rationalize your gut feeling—you just know when it’s time to move on.
The Bottom Line: Therapy Works Best When You’re Honest—With Yourself and Your Therapist
If you feel like therapy isn’t working, bring your concerns into the session. Tell your therapist if your motivation is waning, if something feels off, or if an approach isn’t resonating with you.
Therapy isn’t just about talking through your week or getting solutions to problems. It’s also about forming a safe and healthy relationship with your therapist so you can practice doing the hard relational stuff with them. It’s about healing through that process so you can confidently take those skills outside of therapy. The relationship itself becomes a space where your real struggles can show up, allowing you to work through them in a way that ultimately improves your life.
Whether you decide to stay, switch, or stop therapy, the most important thing is that your choice supports your growth. Whatever you decide, trust that you’re capable of finding the right path for you.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, here are a few areas I specialize in: Therapy for Women, Therapy for Chronic Illness, Therapy for Body Acceptance. I work with clients in Seattle and across Washington State.
