The Difference Between Unhealthy and Healthy Relationships

Romantic love is one of life’s most sought-after experiences. It’s woven into the books we read, the movies we watch, and the stories we’ve heard since childhood. But the love that’s often portrayed in media, full of intense passion, all-consuming emotion, and dramatic gestures, can paint a very misleading picture. This depiction can make it difficult to distinguish between a loving, healthy relationship and one rooted in attachment that ultimately causes harm. Understanding the difference between true intimacy and unhealthy attachment is crucial if you’re considering ending a relationship—or questioning its direction.

Many of us grow up absorbing cultural myths and media-fueled expectations about love that don’t prepare us for real-life relationships. Let’s explore some common yet toxic myths about love and examine what healthy intimacy truly feels like.

Toxic Myths About Love

1. “Love Conquers All” - Romantic movies, books, and fairy tales love to portray love as an unstoppable force that can overcome any obstacle. We see stories where characters endure hardship, sacrifice everything, or fight against incredible odds in the name of love. While there’s beauty in a love that grows through challenges, this narrative can also lead to the false belief that love alone is enough to sustain a relationship. Healthy relationships require more than just love; they need respect, communication, and shared values. Thinking that “love conquers all” can keep people in toxic relationships, believing that if they just love harder, things will change.

2. “Love is Intense and All-Consuming” - The passionate, all-consuming love seen in media often sets us up for unrealistic expectations. Many portrayals show relationships that are constantly intense and exciting, where emotions run high, and the stakes are always dramatic. This image of love can lead to disappointment when real-life relationships are naturally more steady and less emotionally charged. Relationships are healthiest when they provide a sense of calm, security, and steady affection—not endless, fiery intensity.

3. “Jealousy Equals Love” - Many stories equate jealousy and possessiveness with love and commitment. Characters who are deeply in love may feel jealousy if their partner talks to someone else or spends time away from them. In reality, jealousy and possessiveness are usually signs of insecurity and fear of loss, not healthy love. A loving relationship is built on trust and the freedom to have a full life, including friends, hobbies, and interests outside of the partnership.

4. “If You Love Someone, They’ll Love You Back” - We often see unrequited love as an obstacle that the protagonist must overcome to find their “happily ever after.” This storyline perpetuates the belief that if you truly love someone, they’ll eventually reciprocate. But in reality, love isn’t a guarantee of mutual feelings, and no amount of one-sided love can create a healthy partnership. Unrequited love can be painful, and it’s important to recognize when it’s best to move on.

5. “You Complete Me” - The idea that a romantic partner should “complete” us or fill a void in our lives is a common myth. This belief can lead to dependency, where one person feels they need their partner to feel whole or happy. True fulfillment comes from within, and expecting another person to “complete” you can place an unfair burden on the relationship. A partner can complement your life, but the foundation of happiness should be your own.

6. “Love Requires Grand Gestures” - Media often shows love through grand gestures—elaborate proposals, dramatic rescues, or extravagant displays of affection. While these moments are beautiful in stories, real love is built in the small, everyday acts of kindness, respect, and support. If you measure love by grand gestures, you may overlook the quieter, more consistent ways that love is shown in a healthy relationship.

7. “Being Single Means You’re Less Worthy” - Society sometimes equates being single with being “incomplete” or “unworthy,” as though a relationship status defines a person’s value. This idea can push people into relationships that may not be right for them, simply to avoid the stigma of being single. But being single can be a time of growth, self-discovery, and fulfillment on its own. Being coupled up isn’t a measure of worth, and being single isn’t a sign of failure.

What Healthy Intimacy Should Feel Like

If the myths above paint a picture of love that feels intense, possessive, and even exhausting, it’s important to contrast this with what genuine intimacy looks like in a healthy relationship. True love, while not always easy, should feel liberating and empowering. Here are some qualities of healthy intimacy:

1. It Feels Liberating, Not Restrictive - A healthy relationship doesn’t make you feel trapped or burdened with the responsibility of “fixing” someone else. It should empower both partners to grow and thrive independently, not feel like a vessel for one person’s emotional healing. Love should be something that strengthens your sense of self rather than confining you to patterns of dependency or insecurity.

2. It Allows You to Be Your True Self - Healthy love feels expansive. It provides a space where you can be your authentic self, rather than confining you to a set of expectations or stoking fears of judgment. You should feel free to express who you are, knowing you’re accepted and appreciated for it.

3. It Provides Emotional Security - True love feels like a steady warmth—a source of trust, connection, and reliability. It’s not about constant excitement or intense emotions; it’s about feeling secure and knowing your partner is there for you. Emotional security allows both partners to be honest and open, without fearing that they’ll be judged or dismissed.

4. It’s Rooted in Mutual Respect and Communication - In a healthy relationship, both partners have a deep respect for each other’s needs and desires. There’s open, honest communication, even when it’s hard. This respect and understanding lay the foundation for a partnership that’s not only loving but also grounded in mutual appreciation.

5. It’s a Partnership, Not a Power Struggle - Love in a healthy relationship means supporting and uplifting each other through both joys and challenges. Rather than competing or controlling, it’s about working together. Each partner should feel valued and supported, with shared responsibilities and goals.

6. Conflict Feels Like Growth, Not Destruction - Disagreements are natural, but in a healthy relationship, they don’t feel like the end of the world. Instead, conflict should feel like an opportunity to learn, grow, and stretch in meaningful ways. You should feel safe enough to express your feelings and address issues without fearing that the relationship will fall apart.

7. It Encourages Personal Growth and Belonging - Intimacy that is based on love fosters personal growth, a sense of belonging, and a lasting bond. A healthy relationship inspires you to be the best version of yourself, and it helps you both feel connected and at home with each other.

8. Unmet Needs Don’t Saturate the Relationship - We all have specific relationship needs, but what we often perceive as "healthy needs" can actually be unrealistic expectations based on the desire for our partner to heal our emotional wounds. Healthy love is built on realistic expectations, where each individual takes responsibility for meeting the majority of their own needs, either through self-care or other resources—not solely relying on their partner.

9. Both People Are Resourcing the Relationship - In a healthy relationship, both partners prioritize supporting each other and nurturing the relationship rather than solely focusing on their own needs. This does not imply neglecting your own needs, but rather, it involves actively seeking a compatible partner and contributing positively to the relationship with resources that promote mutual growth. When both individuals engage in this approach, it benefits everyone involved.

Recognizing Attachment Wounds

For some, achieving this kind of healthy intimacy is a journey. Relationships marked by insecure attachment can feel very different. Instead of trust and warmth, there might be behaviors rooted in fear, control, or dependency. When past traumas affect how we connect with others, the balance needed for a fulfilling relationship can be hard to find.

In many cases, attachment wounds stem from early life experiences where a parent may have been overly involved, controlling, neglectful, or emotionally dependent on their child. This dynamic can leave lasting effects, where individuals might struggle with authentic emotional connection. They may cling too tightly or create distance, either of which can prevent genuine intimacy. Recognizing these patterns is essential to building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Moving Forward

Understanding the distinction between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the first step to building fulfilling relationships. As you reflect on your relationship, consider whether it aligns more with the myths of “ideal” love or the qualities of healthy intimacy. Sometimes, questioning what we’ve been taught about love opens the door to better relationship choices and personal growth.

In the next article, we’ll explore specific behaviors that often signal insecure attachment and may hinder emotional intimacy. Recognizing these behaviors can help you assess whether your relationship is meeting your needs—and if it’s time to seek change.

Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, here are a few areas I specialize in: Therapy for Women, Therapy for Chronic Illness, Therapy for Body Acceptance.