Better Health: Three Ways You're Getting In Your Own Way
As you might guess, clients come to therapy because they are struggling to make changes in their life. They come in with no shortage of motivation. They can see how their current behavior patterns are not working for them. They have identified new target behaviors. But even with a bucket full of enthusiasm, they can't seem to generate new, more healthful behaviors.
I often hear clients use the word "stuck" to describe their experience; they are cemented to an ineffective way of life. They feel puzzled, gridlocked, suffocated, and frustrated.
So what keeps people stuck? In my experience, it comes down to what Kelly Wilson, Ph.D., author of The Wisdom to Know the Difference, calls Not Showing Up.
Let's say you get invited to a concert with a friend. On the day of the show you are tired, so you don't go. Without getting fixated on how your friend might feel about your no-show, in this situation, you're declining to participate in an event that you find unpleasant. Your not-showing-up is very literal.
This kind of not-showing-up isn't necessarily a poor decision. If you sacrificed the concert for a quiet walk, a warm bath, or to support a friend, then you are doing something that is important to you. This type of not-showing-up is not such a bad thing because it is for the sake of something that matters to you.
But when you really want to do something and you don't do it, not showing up can be a big problem. This is what the smart psychology research people call Experiential Avoidance. Experiential Avoidance is probably why you're stuck. Here are some common things people do to not show up.
1. You're Guided by Rules, Not by Values
You probably have some firm beliefs about yourself. Do any of these sound familiar?
"I never finish anything I start."
"I don't have time to go to the gym."
"I can't socialize because of my illness."
"I work hard so I can play hard."
"I can't trust anybody."
Imagine that "John" holds tightly to the idea that he never finishes anything he starts. He begins an important project at work and stops working on it as soon as it becomes difficult. He starts a friendship and then backs out of it as soon as there is a conflict. He starts a house project but stops because he didn’t buy the right parts. Every time John doesn't finish what he starts, he further implants the belief in his mind - like a stamp (with permanent ink). Now "I never finish anything I start" is no longer an explanation for John's behavior, it's a reason for his behavior. Eventually, if John doesn't loosen his grip on this belief, it becomes a rule that he lives by. Soon John is stuck in a behavior pattern that keeps him from finishing anything he starts. These beliefs/rules dominate his life and get in the way of doing what really matters to him.
I'm not suggesting you challenge these beliefs or try to change them. Fighting with these beliefs only leads to a persistent focus on them and keeps you distracted from taking action. Rather than trying to get rid of these thoughts, just notice them. Allow them to be there. Accept them as thoughts. See them as what they are: words and pictures in your mind. Stop believing their content. Stop buying into every persuasive argument they make.
Then choose a direction for your life and take action on that.
2. You Believe That Not Acting Means Not Caring
Sometimes I hear people say that they don't really care about anything. It turns out that people care about many things but feel too helpless and afraid to take action on the things they value.
Take "Sarah" for example. Sarah is the owner of a successful law firm. She became an attorney because of her desire to help people. She works many hours and often gets home late. Her kids are always complaining that she's never available. She says, "I skip the gym a lot because I need to pick my kids up from school." She reports she doesn't spend much time with her friends because they "hate my busy schedule and stopped inviting me to events." She says she doesn't get enough sleep because she wakes up at night worrying about "not doing enough." She admits that doesn't eat healthy because "there's just no time for it." When asked what really matters to her in life, she said, "I don't really know. I don't do anything but work."
On the surface, it might seem that Sarah doesn't care about her health, her family, her relationships, or anything other than her job. But if you look more closely, you can see that Sarah works hard in her career because she cares about helping people. Her income makes it possible for her family to take vacations, and for her kids to play sports or take a dance class, and have college savings accounts. You can see that underneath her complaints about her friends, there is a desire to spend time with them. And even though she doesn't get to the gym or eat healthily, she wishes she would. In fact, Sarah cares about quite a lot.
Sarah was thinking about her values in terms of goals and achievements. This is a trap. By assuming that you only care about the things you take action on, you might buy into the idea you don't care about a lot of things that really do matter to you. Living well means taking action on the things you really care about; by doing what is most important to you, and doing it in the here and now. This - not the outcomes - is what matters.
3. You Rationalize Your Thoughts and Feelings
When a client shares a story about an unpleasant situation, I often ask "What were some of the thoughts or feelings you experienced during this event?" I'm most often met with another story about why they thought/felt/acted the way they did. What's missing is an explicit identification of the thoughts and feelings that were present.
Our minds are constantly trying to solve problems. It is natural to try and figure out why we are thinking, feeling, and behaving a certain way, especially when we are experiencing discomfort. We want the discomfort to go away, so we believe that if we have answers to explain the discomfort, then maybe it will go away. We are so inclined to find and create reasons for our thoughts and actions, or even invent them, merely to preserve the illusion that our choices are freely chosen.
Our thoughts and behaviors are rarely consistent with our beliefs. We often act on fear, even if doing so paradoxically flies in the face of reason. You can see the trap here. Problem-solving problems that can't be solved puts you in a serious state of "stuck." Thoughts are just "mindjunk." And just because you have mindjunk doesn't mean you have to find reasons for them.
There's no need to rationalize anything if you remember that your goal is to move in the direction of your values, not to do such things so effectively that you somehow eliminate thoughts and feelings.
As if that weren't enough, here are Three More Ways You're Getting In Your Own Way.
