What to Do With Unwanted Sympathy
As someone with a chronic illness, you’re probably no stranger to sympathy. It make sense; illness can make us feel vulnerable and fragile, and people assume we feel helpless all the time. They might want to support us, but sometimes their gestures are a bit misguided. Here’s how to cope with sympathy when it doesn’t feel right.
Oh, you poor thing!
I was at the gastroenterology clinic for a routine colonoscopy. The nurse was going through a list of standard questions about the history of my Crohn’s disease. I’d been asked the same questions at least 26 times over the preceding two years, so I probably sounded like a robot. Regardless, the nurse responded to each of my answers with “oooooh you poor thing.” It was like an automatic tic. She must have said it 12 times.
I’m sorry!
I was perusing the menu at a birthday gathering at a restaurant when the woman next to me noted that the flatbreads were delicious. I acknowledged that the flatbreads looked good, but that because I avoid gluten, I’ll be getting the fish tacos. To which she replied, “oh, I’m sorry.”
That sucks!
My neighbor asked why I don’t eat gluten, after declining some of his homemade blueberry pie. When I shared that it aggravates my Crohn’s disease, he replied, “You have Crohn’s disease?! Really! Damn. That sucks!”
[Sigh] Sympathy: Condescension masked as kindness.
Why sympathy sucks
It might seem like these folks are just being nice. The problem is not in the intention; it’s in the behavior.
In my examples above, the sympathizers made up stories about my life. The nurse at the clinic didn’t understand that I was mostly recovered and living a full and vital life. The woman at the birthday party didn’t know that I don't live in a gluten-free diarrhea prison. My neighbor did not realize that my disease had been in remission for years and, at present, caused no more suffering than being stuck in traffic.
Sympathy is filled with contempt. It is not genuine empathy or compassion. It is based on the premise: “Your vulnerability allows me an opportunity to be superior.” We don't want people to feel sorry for us. We want people to understand us. So how do we respond to unwanted sympathy?
Dealing with Unwanted Sympathy in 4 Steps:
First, acknowledge that the person just tossed some sympathy your way, and you’re having a reaction to it. Acknowledging your feelings doesn’t mean judging, analyzing, rejecting, or dismissing. It simply means you are recognizing the presence of something. I like to label my feelings. I might say to myself, “here’s disappointment” and “there’s sadness.”
Let it be. This doesn’t mean you are agreeing with the sympathetic gesture or dismissing your emotions. It doesn’t mean passively allowing someone to be rude to you. Acceptance is you not battling with the situation, the sympathizer, or your feelings.
Buddhism teaches that one of the main paths to spiritual growth is the acceptance of all things, as they are in this moment. This means bowing to all that is, cultivating equanimity (mental calmness), and the wisdom of acknowledging that “it is the way it is.” This is opposed to rejecting reality and wanting things to be different than they are. The latter is at the root of our suffering.
Decide on the greater good, not your ego. Keep in mind that all actions generate consequences. When we are unaware of the effects of our actions, our ego gets involved, and we tend to make choices in poorly informed ways. You can take whatever action feels authentic and appropriate to resolve the situation, but do this from a place of acceptance, with a peaceful mind and with positive, wholesome intentions for the greater good of all concerned.
If the relationship is important, you might share your feelings in an honest, kind, and patient way. Or perhaps the situation calls for silence.
Once you decide on an action, let go of the outcome. Requiring that the sympathizer respond a certain way only results in two people unable to accept what is. Remember that true responsibility is our ability to respond in the moment. No matter what we are presented with in life, we have an opportunity to choose more or less response-ability.
When asked, “how are you?” my uncle Gary, who battled cancer for most of his adult life, would say, “I got up today! I have nothing to complain about! My life is great!” I was always in awe of the way he could jolt someone right out of their sympathizer role. He didn’t pity himself, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to allow you to pity him either.
I’ve taken a page from his book a few times, responding to sympathy with the same assertion. Other times I’ve just let it go, noting the intention behind the remark and not getting entangled in how it made me feel.
So how did I respond to my sympathizers in the examples above?
To the nurse, I said, “You might be misunderstanding. Despite how I answered those questions, my life is good. I’m okay with having Crohn’s disease.” She acted surprised. I’ll admit, I took a bit of pleasure in that.
To the woman at the birthday party, I remained silent. I didn’t know her or feel invested in a relationship with her, so I just let it go. Correcting her would have created discomfort which didn’t feel warranted.
To my neighbor, I said, “You seem to know some things about Crohn’s disease? My experience is probably different from what you typically see. It sucks sometimes, but not most of the time.”
It does you no good to hold onto anger or resentment, even if the other person deserves it. Carrying around your enmity for another person leads to tension and unhappiness within you, so it is best to set aside grudges, if only for your own sake.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, here are a few areas I specialize in: Therapy for Women, Therapy for Chronic Illness, Therapy for Body Acceptance.