Understanding Entitlement: Why It Happens and How to Protect Yourself
Entitlement in Relationships: Understanding the Roots and Setting Boundaries
Entitlement can be a subtle yet destructive force in relationships. It often shows up as one person assuming their needs, wants, or time are more important than those of others, leaving the people around them feeling used or emotionally drained. Understanding entitlement allows you to depersonalize the behavior, set boundaries, and reclaim your energy and time. But where does entitlement come from, how can you recognize it, and how do you protect yourself?
In this article, we'll explore the psychology of entitlement, its causes, how to recognize it—especially the subtle forms that are often overlooked—and strategies for setting firm boundaries.
What is Entitlement?
At its core, entitlement is a belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment—often at the expense of others. But entitlement is not always obvious. It can manifest in various ways, some overt and easy to spot, others subtle and insidious.
Overt vs. Covert Entitlement
The loud, obvious forms of entitlement are easy to recognize. It’s the person who demands things go their way, disregards the needs of others, and expects special treatment just because. But the more dangerous forms of entitlement are often subtle and harder to detect—especially for those who don’t have a strong connection to themselves.
Overt Entitlement - Loud, obvious demands, like expecting special treatment or openly disregarding others' needs. Here are some examples:
Expecting Special Treatment: A person who regularly insists on skipping lines, demanding upgrades, or expecting priority service without any valid reason. They may say things like, “I deserve this because I’m more important,” or “Don’t you know who I am?”
Disregarding Boundaries: Someone who frequently shows up uninvited to events or asks for favors and gets upset or angry when told “no,” acting as if their needs should automatically come first.
Dominating Conversations: A person who constantly talks about themselves in conversations, rarely allowing others to speak or dismissing others' opinions, believing their views are superior or more valuable.
Covert Entitlement - More subtle behaviors, such as manipulating situations to meet one's needs without regard for others, or quietly assuming their needs should always come first. Some examples:
Silent Expectation of Reciprocity: A person who gives or does favors for others, but with the expectation that these gestures will be returned without explicitly saying so. When favors aren't reciprocated, they feel resentful and wronged, though they never clearly communicated their expectations.
Victim Mentality: Someone who subtly manipulates others by casting themselves as the perpetual victim. They expect extra care, attention, or forgiveness due to their hardships and quietly believe others should prioritize their feelings over their own.
Emotional Dependence: A partner with anxious attachment who constantly seeks reassurance, believing they’re entitled to their partner’s ongoing emotional validation without recognizing how draining this is for the other person. They may subtly guilt their partner into providing attention, framing their emotional neediness as a form of connection.
Why Entitlement Can Be Hard to Spot:
If you’ve grown up with unclear boundaries or have a strong desire to be liked, you might not notice when someone is subtly demanding more from you than is fair. Over time, you may internalize their behavior, believing that it’s your job to accommodate them—even when it comes at the cost of your own well-being. The key to breaking free from these dynamics is recognizing the signs early and trusting the emotional cues your body sends you.
Causes of Entitlement
Entitlement doesn’t come from nowhere—it’s a learned behavior, often rooted in childhood but reinforced throughout life by social, psychological, and emotional factors. Let’s explore the deeper causes of entitled behavior to better understand why certain people become entitled.
Overindulgence:
Children who grow up in environments where they are always given what they want without having to consider others may develop an inflated sense of importance. These children don’t learn to share, wait, or consider how their actions impact others.Example: A child who is constantly given toys, sweets, or attention without being taught to consider the needs or feelings of siblings or friends may grow up feeling that their desires should always come first.
Inconsistent Boundaries:
In some households, discipline is inconsistent, where a child’s negative behavior is overlooked or even rewarded. For example, a child might act out at school and receive sympathy or rewards from their parents rather than being held accountable.Example: A child who bullies their sibling but is consistently favored by a parent begins to internalize that their negative actions won’t have real consequences, reinforcing entitled behavior.
Conditional Love:
In some cases, children develop entitlement when they receive attention or love based on performance or behavior, such as excelling in sports or academics. They grow up believing they are only valuable when they succeed, and expect rewards for meeting their own needs, rather than recognizing the value of mutual relationships.
Reward Without Effort:
Adults who are consistently rewarded for doing little or no work may start to expect these rewards without recognizing the effort or contributions of others.Example: A person who rises through the ranks of their company due to connections or favoritism, rather than merit, may begin to expect continual praise and promotion regardless of their contributions.
Social Validation:
In a world where social media and cultural trends often glorify material success and instant gratification, people can develop a sense of entitlement without ever understanding the work and discipline required for long-term achievements. The constant reinforcement of "you deserve this" can foster entitled thinking.Example: A social media influencer whose curated online life is rewarded with likes, comments, and sponsorships can develop a belief that they are inherently more deserving than others, creating a skewed sense of self-importance.
Self-Serving Bias:
This psychological phenomenon occurs when people take credit for their successes but blame external factors for their failures. Over time, this leads to an inflated sense of entitlement, as they believe they deserve all the rewards without acknowledging the role of others or chance.Reinforcement of Negative Behavior:
If entitled behavior is consistently rewarded (or not punished), it will continue. For example, if a child is constantly validated after bad behavior, they may learn that acting out gets them attention or sympathy, thus reinforcing their entitlement.Example: A child acts out in school but is praised at home, leading them to believe their negative behavior will always be excused.
Anxious Attachment:
One often overlooked form of entitlement comes from people with anxious attachment styles. People with anxious attachment may not seem entitled at first glance, but their need for constant reassurance and validation can become emotionally exhausting for their partners, creating an unintentional sense of entitlement.
Recognizing Entitlement in Relationships
Red Flags
Recognizing entitlement can be challenging, especially when it shows up in subtle ways. Here are some common red flags that might indicate you're dealing with an entitled person:
Overt Signs:
They expect you to prioritize their needs over yours, whether it’s time, attention, or resources.
They frequently dismiss or invalidate your emotions or boundaries.
Covert Signs:
They make assumptions about your time or energy, expecting you to handle things for them without asking directly.
They manipulate situations to ensure they always get their way, using guilt or charm to avoid confrontation.
Your Response
One of the most reliable indicators that you’re dealing with entitlement is your own response to interactions with that person. Your body often senses a power imbalance before your mind consciously registers it. Here’s a deep dive into some common responses you may have, both emotionally and cognitively:
Emotional Responses:
Frustration: The constant demands or disregard for your needs leads to a sense of growing frustration. You might feel like no matter how much they do, it’s never enough to satisfy the entitled person.
“Why do they always expect so much from me? It’s exhausting.”
Guilt: You may feel guilty for not being able to meet the entitled person's expectations, believing you should be more accommodating or available, even when it's unreasonable.
“I feel bad for not helping them. Maybe I’m being selfish.”
Resentment: Over time, your unmet needs and constant giving can lead to simmering resentment. You may feel taken advantage of but unsure how to change the dynamic.
“Why do I always put their needs first? I’m starting to feel like they don't care about me at all.”
Anxiety: The fear of upsetting or disappointing the entitled person can lead to heightened anxiety, where you’re constantly on edge, anticipating the next demand or emotional backlash.
“If I say no, they’ll get angry. I just can’t handle another conflict.”
Confusion: When faced with covert entitlement, you may feel confused, wondering why you feel drained or off-balance around the entitled person, even if the behavior isn’t overtly harmful.
“I don’t know why I feel so uncomfortable around them. It’s like something is always expected of me.”
Self-Doubt: Entitled people, especially covertly entitled individuals, can leave you doubting yourself or your worth, questioning whether your needs are as important or valid as the other person's.
“Maybe I’m overreacting. They’ve had a hard time, and I should just be more understanding.”
Thoughts and Beliefs You Might Have:
“It’s my job to keep the peace.”: You may take on the belief that you need to accommodate the entitled person to avoid conflict. This can be particularly common in relationships where you are trying to maintain harmony.
This belief can cause you to constantly say yes, even when you’re depleted, sacrificing your own needs to avoid confrontation.
“If I just do more, they’ll finally appreciate me.”: You might people believe that if you keep giving, sacrificing, or working harder, the entitled person will eventually show gratitude or change. This can lead to a cycle of overgiving, where you don’t realize that nothing will satisfy the entitled person's demands.
This belief may stem from low self-worth or a history of feeling like you need to “earn” love and respect.
“Maybe it’s not that bad—maybe I’m just too sensitive.”: When the entitled behavior is subtle or covert, you can gaslight yourself into thinking you’re overreacting or misinterpreting the situation. You might minimize your feelings to justify the entitled person’s behavior.
This is particularly true if the entitled person uses guilt or manipulation to frame themselves as misunderstood or victimized.
“I have to prove I’m a good friend/partner/family member.”: If you have a strong need for approval, you may feel that you need to constantly prove your worth by being accommodating, agreeable, or always available. You might overextend yourself in the hope that you’ll be seen as good enough.
This belief often keeps you stuck in unhealthy dynamics, where you continue to give more than you receive.
“I’m not allowed to have needs.”: After repeated encounters with an entitled person, you may internalize the belief that you own needs are less important or even irrelevant. You may stop advocating for yourself altogether, believing you exist to serve others.
This belief can develop from a long history of people-pleasing or from relationships where your needs were consistently invalidated.
“Setting boundaries makes me selfish.”: Entitled people often push back when boundaries are set, and you may internalize the belief that standing up for your own needs is selfish. This can prevent your from enforcing boundaries, even when necessary.
This belief is particularly common in individuals who were raised to prioritize others’ needs above their own.
Ways You May Try to Cope:
People-Pleasing: In an attempt to manage the demands of an entitled person, you might resort to people-pleasing behaviors. You’ll go out of your way to avoid conflict by saying yes to every request, even if it’s harmful to your well-being.
“If I just keep them happy, everything will be okay. I’ll deal with my needs later.”
Rationalizing the Behavior: To cope with the discomfort, you might justify the entitled person’s actions, especially in the case of covert entitlement, by focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship or downplaying the negative ones.
“They’ve had a rough life. I can’t blame them for being this way.”
Emotional Suppression: Many people who deal with entitlement suppress their feelings of frustration or anger to avoid rocking the boat. You may tell yourself it’s not worth bringing up or that your feelings aren’t as important.
“It’s not worth getting upset over. I’ll just let it go.”
Avoidance: You might cope by avoiding direct confrontation or difficult conversations, hoping that the entitled behavior will eventually stop or that things will improve on their own.
“Maybe if I don’t bring it up, they’ll change.”
Self-Blame: To manage the cognitive dissonance of dealing with an entitled person, you may start to blame yourself for the dynamic. You might think, “If I were stronger or more assertive, this wouldn’t be happening,” shifting the responsibility away from the entitled person’s behavior.
The Long-Term Impact on Your Beliefs:
“I don’t deserve better.”: Over time, dealing with entitlement can erode self-esteem. The constant imbalance of giving and receiving can make you believe you don’t deserve healthier relationships or that you aren’t worthy of respect.
“This is just how relationships are.”: After repeated exposure to entitled individuals, some people come to believe that unhealthy dynamics are normal. You might not even realize there’s an option for more balanced, respectful relationships.
“I’ll never be enough.”: Constantly trying to meet the needs of an entitled person can lead to a pervasive sense of inadequacy, where you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never good enough.
This belief can make it even harder for you to leave the relationship or set boundaries, as you’re trapped in a cycle of trying to prove your worth.
These emotional responses, thoughts, and beliefs are common coping mechanisms for people dealing with entitled individuals. By bringing awareness to these internal reactions, you can begin to recognize the unhealthy patterns and start to take steps toward healthier boundaries and self-care.
Setting Boundaries with Entitled People
Once you've recognized entitled behavior, the next step is setting clear and firm boundaries. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to asserting your needs, but it’s an essential skill for protecting your energy and well-being.
The SET Method
One effective tool for setting boundaries with entitled people is the SET Method, which stands for Support, Empathy, and Truth. This method helps you communicate assertively while maintaining compassion and respect, and it’s particularly helpful when you’re dealing with people who are emotionally demanding or manipulative.
Support: Begin by expressing support or appreciation to maintain rapport and prevent defensiveness.
Example: "I value our relationship, and I want us both to feel comfortable sharing our needs."
Empathy: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
Example: "I understand that it’s hard for you when I can’t be available every time you need reassurance."
Truth: Clearly and directly state your needs or boundaries.
Example: "I also need time to recharge, and I can’t always be the one providing constant reassurance. Moving forward, I need us to find a balance where both our needs are respected."
Practical Ways to Communicate Boundaries
In addition to the SET method, here are other ways to set and enforce boundaries with entitled people:
Be Clear and Direct: Vague boundaries won’t be respected. Clearly state what you need in simple, straightforward terms.
Example: "I can help you with this task, but only until 5 PM. After that, I need time for myself."
Don’t Over-Explain: Entitled people often use your explanations as an opening for negotiation. You don’t need to justify or rationalize your boundaries beyond a simple statement.
Example: "I can’t do that," or, "This is what works for me."
Use “I” Statements: Frame your boundaries around your own needs and feelings to avoid sounding accusatory.
Example: "I feel overwhelmed when I’m always the one giving support. I need some space to focus on my own needs."
Model and Reinforce Healthier Behavior
Dealing with entitled people doesn’t stop at setting boundaries. It’s equally important to model healthier, mutual behavior in your relationships. When you consistently show what a balanced, respectful relationship looks like, it becomes harder for entitled people to manipulate or overstep.
Mutual Give and Take: Encourage reciprocity by making sure the relationship involves both giving and receiving, not just one-sided effort. For instance, if someone constantly seeks your emotional support, ensure that you also feel comfortable turning to them when you need help.
Reward Positive Behavior: When the other person respects your boundaries or shows consideration for your needs, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement can encourage them to adopt healthier patterns of behavior.
Why Entitled People Seek Out Certain Individuals
Entitled people are often drawn to individuals with traits like people-pleasing tendencies, low self-respect, or poor boundaries. These personality traits make it easier for the entitled person to exploit the relationship, as they sense that the other person is less likely to resist or set boundaries.
Why Certain People Become Targets
People who struggle with low self-worth or a desire for approval are more likely to tolerate entitled behavior because they prioritize keeping the peace or maintaining a connection over their own well-being. If you’re someone who has difficulty saying “no” or constantly feels the need to please others, you might find yourself in a pattern of relationships with entitled people.
Lack of Boundaries: When someone hasn’t developed strong boundaries, they may not even recognize when their limits are being crossed. An entitled person exploits this ambiguity, pushing further and further until their needs completely overshadow the other person’s.
Need for Approval: Entitled people often seek out individuals who have a strong need to be liked or accepted, as these people are more likely to make sacrifices to maintain harmony in the relationship, even if it’s one-sided.
Anxious Attachment and Entitlement: Those with anxious attachment can also become targets for entitled people, as they often prioritize the needs of others above their own in order to maintain closeness. However, anxious attachment itself can also result in entitled behavior when the need for reassurance becomes so compulsive that it takes precedence over the partner’s emotional needs.
How Anxious Attachment Can Manifest as Entitlement
While we typically associate entitlement with overt selfishness, entitlement can also emerge from anxious attachment patterns. Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment, leading to a compulsive need for reassurance and validation from one’s partner. Over time, this need can create an unintentional form of emotional entitlement.
The Entitlement of Reassurance
People with anxious attachment often feel entitled to their partner’s constant reassurance and attention. Their deep-seated fear of being abandoned drives them to seek validation, sometimes incessantly, without recognizing the emotional toll this takes on their partner.
Someone with anxious attachment might frequently ask their partner for validation, such as, "Do you still love me?" or, "Are you sure you’re not going to leave?" While these questions stem from insecurity rather than arrogance, the behavior can become draining over time. The partner may feel that their own emotional needs are secondary or irrelevant, leading to frustration and resentment. It’s as if the anxious partner feels entitled to emotional security at any cost, even if it means continually sidelining the other person’s feelings.
Over time, this form of entitlement can become just as damaging as more overt forms. The partner of someone with anxious attachment may feel emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, or resentful. They may feel that their anxious partner is incapable of supporting their own emotional well-being and that the relationship has become one-sided. This can lead to the breakdown of the relationship, as one partner feels emotionally drained and underappreciated.
Preventing Future Entitled Relationships
Setting boundaries with entitled individuals in your current life is crucial, but to truly protect yourself, it’s equally important to change the way you relate to yourself and others. This involves cultivating self-worth, assertiveness, and a deep understanding that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
Strengthening Your Self-Worth
The best defense against becoming a target for entitled individuals is developing a strong sense of self-worth. When you believe in your inherent value, you are less likely to tolerate behavior that diminishes you.
Affirm Your Worth: Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that your needs, feelings, and boundaries are valid.
Build a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and value reciprocity in relationships.
Becoming Less Appealing to Entitled People
When you embody a stronger, more grounded sense of self, entitled individuals are less likely to target you. This doesn’t mean you’ll never encounter entitled people again, but it does mean they won’t see you as an easy mark. When you move through the world with self-assurance, clarity, and assertiveness, entitled people will sense that you won’t be easily manipulated.
Key Takeaways
Entitlement can manifest in subtle ways: It’s not always loud or overt. Entitlement can show up in small, seemingly harmless behaviors that gradually erode boundaries.
Entitled behavior has deep roots: It can be caused by childhood experiences like inconsistent parenting, praise following bad behavior, or being shielded from consequences. These patterns can lead to unrealistic expectations in adulthood.
Anxious attachment can fuel emotional entitlement: Those with anxious attachment may feel entitled to their partner’s constant reassurance and attention, often without realizing the toll it takes on the relationship. This form of entitlement can be exhausting and harm the trust between partners.
The body gives you signals: Paying attention to your emotional responses, such as feeling overwhelmed, drained, or frustrated, can be an early sign that someone in your life may be entitled.
Boundaries are key to dealing with entitled people: Tools like the SET method (Support, Empathy, Truth) allow you to assert your needs while maintaining respect. Clear communication, direct boundary setting, and limiting over-explanations help manage entitled behavior.
Strengthening self-worth protects you from entitlement: Building your own sense of worth makes it easier to set boundaries and harder for entitled individuals to manipulate or take advantage of you.
Entitlement can erode relationships: Whether from overt selfishness or anxious attachment, entitlement can leave partners feeling unseen and unimportant, eroding trust and connection.
Preventing future entitled relationships: By developing assertiveness and valuing your own needs, you can attract more balanced relationships and avoid becoming a target for entitled individuals.
Understanding the psychology behind entitlement—whether it’s overt, subtle, or driven by anxious attachment—is key to recognizing these behaviors and protecting yourself. By setting clear boundaries, reinforcing healthy patterns, and building your self-worth, you can navigate relationships with more confidence and avoid being drained by entitled individuals. Empowering yourself doesn’t just protect you from toxic dynamics—it also attracts healthier, more balanced connections where both partners’ needs are equally valued.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, here are a few areas I specialize in: Therapy for Women, Therapy for Chronic Illness, Therapy for Body Acceptance.