Speaking Your Truth and Protecting Your Energy: Navigating the Holidays with Chronic Illness
Speaking Your Truth and Protecting Your Energy: Navigating the Holidays with Chronic Illness
The holidays are often described as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. But for people managing chronic illness, they can also highlight the tension between personal needs and others’ expectations. From dismissive comments to unsolicited advice, or even being overlooked altogether, the emotional weight of these interactions can be heavy.
This article offers practical strategies to navigate these moments with compassion, self-respect, and integrity. With scripts and a clear decision-making process, you’ll be better equipped to handle holiday interactions in ways that align with your values—and protect your well-being.
Why Holiday Interactions Can Feel Overwhelming
For people with chronic illness, the holidays present unique challenges, often rooted in misunderstanding or ignorance.
1. Misconceptions About Chronic Illness
Chronic illness is not always visible or talked about, which can lead to misconceptions. Some people may lack the maturity to understand, while others assume you prefer privacy or don’t need accommodations. Additionally, family dynamics or rigid traditions can add to the complexity of navigating your needs.
2. The Emotional Impact of Feeling Ignored or Misunderstood
The hurt from being dismissed or overlooked by loved ones runs deep. Comments like “You don’t look sick” or actions like planning overwhelming activities can feel invalidating. Being left out of accommodations—whether for dietary needs, mobility issues, or sensory sensitivities—can feel isolating, especially when alternatives were possible.
3. The Goal: Integrity, Compassion, and Empowerment
Navigating these moments isn’t about “fixing” others but about responding in ways that align with your values. The goal is to act with integrity, protect your energy, and feel empowered in your interactions. Here’s what that means:
Acting with Integrity: Ensuring your actions align with your values. This means behaving in a way that you can feel proud of, without creating a disconnect between your values, intentions, and actions.
Protecting Your Energy: Safeguarding your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This involves respecting your limits and avoiding burnout by prioritizing self-care and setting boundaries.
Feeling Empowered: Using your autonomy to make choices that reflect your values and support your goals. This means retaining your sense of control and making decisions that steer your life and relationships in the direction you want to go.
A Process for Deciding How to Respond
Dealing with these situations requires thoughtful consideration. Here’s a step-by-step process to guide your response:
1. Identify the Context and Values
Consider the situation: Where are you? What is the conversation about? Who are you talking to, and what is your relationship with them? These questions can help you identify what’s most important.
You might plan out scenarios, such as when your well-meaning aunt asking about your health (again) or a cousin pressures you to participate in a tradition you don’t care for. Reflecting on these ahead of time can prepare you to respond in ways that feel right. You can’t anticipate every uncomfortable moment, but you can plan some.
2. Pause and Notice How You Feel
Take a moment to observe your internal reaction. Are you feeling defensive, hurt, or frustrated? Meet these emotions with curiosity and compassion. Pausing before responding allows you to align your actions with your values instead of reacting impulsively.
3. Decide on Your Goal
What do you hope to achieve in this interaction? Is your goal to set a boundary, educate the person, preserve peace, or simply protect your energy? For example:
You might choose to ignore a distant relative’s nosy comment to avoid unnecessary conflict.
You might decide to address your cousin’s behavior because you value the relationship and want to foster understanding.
4. Act with Integrity, Regardless of the Outcome
Even when you respond thoughtfully, others may not react well. That’s okay. Your goal is not to control their response but to uphold your integrity. Some people may not be equipped to handle these conversations, and that’s not your burden to carry.
Scripts for Common Scenarios
When responding, try to:
Acknowledge the person’s intent (if it wasn’t meant to be harmful).
Show empathy for what they might be feeling or trying to accomplish.
Clearly state your truth, request, or question.
Here are examples for different contexts:
Unsolicited Advice
"Have you tried X?"
Gentle: “I know you’re trying to help, and I really appreciate that. I’ve worked closely with my care team to find what works best for me, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Boundary-Setting: “Thanks for wanting to help, but I’m not looking for advice right now. I appreciate your concern.”
Comments About Your Health or Appearance
"You don’t look sick."
Educate: “That’s the thing about chronic illness—it often isn’t visible, but it affects me daily.”
Redirect: “I hear that a lot. How’s work going for you?”
Intrusive Questions
"Why aren’t you eating/drinking X?"
Gentle: “Thanks for asking—I have some dietary restrictions that I have to follow, but everything looks wonderful.”
Humor: “I’m saving room for dessert—it’s my strategy this year.”
Ignorant Actions
Planning a full day of activities
Gentle: “I love how much thought you’ve put into planning, but I’ll need to pace myself. I might join for part of the day.”
Transparent: “This sounds wonderful, but I know my limits, and I need to step back to protect my energy.”
Preparing food you can’t eat
Gentle: “Thanks so much for the effort. I’ll bring a dish that works for me so I can enjoy the meal too.”
Transparent: “I really appreciate your hospitality, but I need to stick to my dietary restrictions, so I’ll bring my own food.”
Knowing When to Ignore or Disengage
Not every situation requires a response. Consider ignoring when:
The comment or action is harmless but not worth your energy.
The person has a history of being argumentative or dismissive.
Disengaging might involve:
Politely excusing yourself: “Excuse me, I need to step away for a moment.”
Redirecting: “Let’s talk about something more festive—how’s your holiday shopping?”
Sometimes, the best choice is to skip an event altogether. If a gathering consistently leaves you drained or upset, declining the invitation can be an act of self-respect. “Thank you for inviting me, but I need to sit this one out to prioritize my health.”
Self-Care Before, During, and After Holiday Gatherings
Before the Event
Reflect on your values and prepare for likely scenarios.
Prioritize rest, eat beforehand, and engage in restorative activities like meditation or gentle movement.
Bring tools for self-care, especially if you’re traveling. These might include medications, a heating pad, mobility aids, pain relief tools, a sleep mask, food, a travel cushion, electrolytes, ear plugs, comfortable clothing, compression socks, etc.
During the Event
Take breaks in a quiet space.
Seek out supportive people for grounding conversations.
Limit your time if necessary.
After the Event
Process your experience through journaling or talking with a trusted friend.
Celebrate moments where you upheld your values.
Prepare for the Worst, Expect the Best
You can’t predict every scenario, but with preparation, you’ll develop confidence in handling the unexpected. Trust yourself to respond with compassion and integrity.
Closing Thoughts
The holidays can be challenging for those with chronic illness, but they’re also an opportunity to practice self-respect and care. By reflecting on your values and preparing thoughtful responses, you can navigate these interactions with confidence. Protecting your energy is not selfish—it’s an essential part of showing up for yourself and others in meaningful ways.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, here are a few areas I specialize in: Therapy for Women, Therapy for Chronic Illness, Therapy for Body Acceptance.