Many of my clients tell me that it’s hard for them to ask for help, even when they need it. Having a chronic illness or health condition can sometimes reveal how much resistance you might have to ask for help. You probably got by just fine when life was a little easier, but now that you’re sick, it’s becoming glaringly obvious that doing everything yourself can have major health consequences and make your life much harder.

So why do we do this? Why is it so difficult to ask for help?

Many of my clients say that they avoid asking for help because it makes them feel guilty. They believe that they are adding a burden to someone’s life. They label themselves as needy, lazy, or dependent, or they worry someone else will judge them in the same way.

There’s something I’ve noticed about my clients who struggle to ask for help. They are the product of passive parenting.

A passive parent is one who lets children make the rules or makes rules without enforcing consequences when the rules are broken.

They might seem loving, lighthearted, and fun, but the passive parent is only emotionally available to a point. When things get too intense, the passive parent withdraws emotionally and hides their head in the sand. They might show empathy for you, as long as doing so doesn't get in the way of their needs.

Passive parents don't offer much guidance to help you navigate the world, but may expect you to be self-sufficient and independent anyway. They may have turned a blind eye to situations that were harmful to you, leaving you to fend for yourself. They may have used you to meet their own emotional needs.

As a result, you know not to expect or ask for much help from them. You learned that when you need something, you're likely to get ignored, punished, or dismissed.

This hurts. A lot.

You internalize this to mean that having needs makes you a burden. You believe that you must do everything for yourself. You don't ask for help because you don't want to be seen as difficult, lazy, or dependent. Underneath that is a deep fear of abandonment, an experience similar to what you felt when you asked for help from your passive parent.

You then rob other people of the opportunity to be there for you.

Know this: Your needs matter. Your life matters. You matter. Having needs doesn't make you a burden. Asking for help doesn't mean you're not self-sufficient. Let the people who love you be there for you. It feels good to them.